I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
