The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
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I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
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I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
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