I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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