So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
