Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
