Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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