what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
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all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
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Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George