Please, let me fuck your mom
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.