the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
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That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
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Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?