Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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