I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
