You just made me feel so damn special
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.