and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
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I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
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she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.