I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
