remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
