Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
