if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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