i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
