i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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