It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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