I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
