I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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