I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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