totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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