Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
