Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
