I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
