video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
