I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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