I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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