I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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