dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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