She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
