so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize