Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
