i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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