So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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