thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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