i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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