you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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