Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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