Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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