I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
