How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
are you so shy because you have an std?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
