when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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