It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We're too hungover to prance.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
