why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
