Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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