I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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