He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
