At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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