hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
