Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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