well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
