If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
