Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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