you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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