i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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