We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
