Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
did i just pee glitter
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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