I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
