You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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