you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know